January is the New December

Not really. But I had hoped to have published the Stewards sequel by the end of the year, and now it's looking like it will be the end of January.  I finally heard back from my editor. December proved to be even more busy for her than she had expected, but she will be starting on her review of The Dungeons of Cetahl next Monday, and is expecting to be done by January 20. 

In the meantime, I will focus on finding a graphic artist to do the cover and touch up the map that my cousin created. I am half-tempted to purchase Adobe Creative Suite software (last year I downloaded a trial version and found myself tinkering with the cover the graphic artist created)...but it is not a cheap software by any stretch of the imagination.  If only I had won the Mega Millions lottery...but I suppose I should have purchased a ticket if I really wanted to win. Oh well.

I am thinking of entering Amazon's Breakthrough Novel Award (ABNA) contest again, assuming they hold the contest this year. I didn't get very far in the contest last year, and I have no reason to believe I will get any further this year, but I figure it can't hurt. Besides, I have updated my pitch to a point where I'm almost satisfied with it (and that, I assure you, was no simple feat).  I think I enjoy the ABNA forums more than anything though; I've learned so much from my fellow authors.

I am also going to try my hand at submitting queries to traditional publishers. Not for the Stewards series, but for a children's book series I started years ago: Tucker Beagle, Pet Detective. The first book in the series is "The Case of the Missing Sock."  Inspired by my first four-legged "baby" Tucker (who will turn 12 in a few days!) and my umpteenth experience of losing yet another sock in the laundry, the book is geared towards first or second graders. Who knows if it will ever be picked up by a publisher...I just know that I cannot self-publish this series because it needs an illustrator, and I cannot afford one on my own.

I suppose I would be remiss if I did not admit to my New Year's Resolutions. I don't think they change much from year to year:

1. Write More
2. Drink Less
3. Save More
4. Eat Less (Especially Sweets)
5. Work Out More
6. Yell Less

Happy New Year!

Holidays and Hospice

The years when your children are still young enough to believe in Santa, the years when they can hardly fall asleep on Christmas Eve in anticipation of what they might find under the tree in the morning - those are the years that you are supposed to treasure forever.  And yet, for the second year in a row, I find myself struggling to find the Christmas spirit. 

Last year, the Sandy Hook tragedy shook me to my core. All those innocent little children whose lives were taken far too soon. The brave teachers who died trying to protect them. I have fairly strong libertarian views, but I must admit I found myself questioning my stance on gun control that day.  I also found myself shaking my head at the state of mental health care. I am more familiar than most with maladies of the mind, and I know how difficult it is to get help for those who cannot, or will not, get help for themselves.

This year, I am faced with the reality that my beloved grandfather is dying. They have taken him off all of his medicines. They have told my grandmother to seek out help from hospice. And while I know this does not mean he will die tomorrow, it does mean that this will be the last Christmas of his life. I know he is ready to die. He "wants to get this show on the road." But I am not sure I am ready for a life without him.

Ordinarily I would turn to writing as an outlet...but I have not heard from my editor yet, and I have a horrible trait of needing to finish things before I start other things.  Sigh.

Good News Bad News?

So the good news is that - as of today - the manuscript for the Dungeons of Cetahl is currently in the hands of my very capable editor (Jill Bailin).

The bad news is that she's busy. That's not bad news for her, that's actually awesome news. But it will be several weeks before she can review my book in earnest, and that's bad news for me.

This means that the sequel will NOT be available on Amazon before the end of the year. However, it should be available shorty after the New Year. I am predicting mid-January. (Hopefully I did not just jinx this).

It is my own fault. It took me longer than I had expected to finish the novel.  I was too easily distracted this year. I have learned my lesson :(

Clock is Ticking

I'm more than halfway done reviewing the first draft of The Dungeons of Cetahl.

It is strange reading some of the chapters that were originally written back in February or March of this year. Sometimes I find myself impressed by the what I wrote. Other times, not so much.  It is a painful process, but I am making progress.

Assuming all goes as planned, I should be done with my internal editing shortly after Thanksgiving, and it will be in the hands of my trusted editor the first week in December. I don't know how quickly she'll be able to turn things around, but I suspect that I should be ready to publish the book by the end of the year, or shortly after the New Year.

The clock is ticking down.  Tick. Tick. Tick.

Draft is Done

I'm at 93K words. The draft is done.

It could have been longer, but I decided to hold some of the plot back for Volume 3. In truth, I was ready to be done.

I suspect the editing process will be brutal. This book did not flow like the first, and there is always the fear that the sequel is nowhere near as good as the first (not that the first was anything close to perfect). Regardless, my edits will make the draft better than it currently is, and my editor will make it even better still.  Hopefully I will not disappoint.

Tonight is cause for a dual celebration: I finished the draft of the sequel, and I finally broke in to the Brazilian market with the first!  To the lone soul who found my book interesting enough to download, I thank you.

Mexico - you are next!




 

The Final Stretch

I had hoped to be done with the draft of the sequel by now - in truth I had hoped to be done with the draft two months ago - but life has a funny way of interfering with the best-made plans. 

I just returned from an unexpected trip to Florida. My grandfather was (and still is) in the hospital - in the ICU - and they weren't too sure he was going to make it.  He has congestive heart failure (heart functioning at 30%), pleurisy, pneumonia and Stage 4 kidney failure. Unfortunately, having both heart and kidney failure creates a difficult catch-22 situation for medical practitioners: everything they need to do to help the heart has a negative impact on his kidneys and vice versa.  Fortunately, he has managed to defy the odds - for now.

My grandfather has always been a big strong man - he's 6'2" and over 200 lbs - and he was blessed with many athletic talents. But in these later years of his life, he's been plagued with a myriad of medical problems that have essentially zapped all of his energy, affected his cognitive skills, and relegated him to his recliner.  He cannot read any longer. He cannot do his beloved crossword puzzles or play a round of golf. He can't make it from his recliner to his bed without the help of my grandmother. He is depressed, and has lost all desire to eat.

Today they drained 2 liters of fluid from his lungs. Hopefully that will make it easier for him to breathe. I just wish there was a fix for everything else that has been taken from him.  I'm sure this wasn't the final chapter he had envisioned for his life :(

And with that depressing segue, I am happy to report that I am currently working on the final chapter of the sequel.  It should not be too much longer now (hopefully I did not just jinx it)...

The End is Near

And that's a good thing!

I am quickly making my way through the final three chapters of The Dungeons of Cetahl. With luck, I should be done with the draft by the end of the month, and done with revisions and editing before the end of the year. Oh, how I would love to release this book before New Years!

There is always a balance though.  I don't want to rush to publish and find myself with a book riddled with mistakes or scenes that could have been fleshed out in a more coherent manner. At the same time, I am not one to spend a bunch of time in pursuit of perfection. 

Are there things I could have done better in the first installment of The Stewards of Reed had I spent more time on it before publishing? Sure. And a few readers have pointed out some of these things in their reviews...

But do I have any regrets about publishing when I did? No. 

I suppose I'm sort of a "point of diminishing returns" kind of gal.  My main goal is to put out an enjoyable, coherent story that is free (or mostly free anyway) from spelling and grammatical errors.  I derive no real value out of endlessly refining a scene if the prose already adequately conveys my intent.  I know, I know...that is very unartist-like of me.  Perhaps it is the practical engineer in me instead...

Anyway...for better or worse...the end is near :) 

Breakthrough!

Waves of sadness continue to hit me from time to time, but I am still standing :)

Better yet, I've gotten past the mental block and I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am ever-so-diligently making my way towards the end of the second book...just a few more chapters to go.  Can't wait to see where the story takes me!

September blues

I am not depressed. I am not depressed. I am not depressed.

Perhaps if I write it enough I will start to believe it. Mind over matter and all...

I'm just in a funk. I had hoped the recent summer purge would give me a fresh start, but I just feel empty. Unfulfilled. Unmotivated.

I was supposed to do great things
I know the road was long
But I wasn't raised to shoot for fame
I had the safety on

-Cold War Kids, Miracle Mile

I was valedictorian of my high school. I graduated top of my undergraduate engineering class. I graduated from my master's program at UC Berkeley with honors. I became a part owner in my engineering firm in my early 30's.  I was supposed to do great things...

And then we moved. I wanted it as much as my husband...to be closer to family...for the sake of my kids. But I didn't fully appreciate all that I would sacrifice in that process, and how difficult it can be at times to live so close to my husband's family (not that living close to my own family would have been any easier). I know the road was long...

Turns out my engineering skills are not as valued here in the mid-atlantic where there is not the constant struggle over water that there is the west and the south. Turns out that my venture into the writing world is not proving to be very successful. [Not that I was expecting JK Rowling fame...I guess I just hoped my story would strike a chord with more people than it has]. So where there was once a naive confidence - there is now fear. And failure is a bitter pill to swallow...even more so late in life. But I wasn't raised to shoot for fame, I had the safety on...

Tomorrow is another day. I am not depressed. I am not depressed.

August Pause

The good news is that I have made some progress on the next book.  I'm just shy of 75K words as of this blog post. I would like to think this puts me at 75 percent complete...but I have a feeling this book is going to be a little longer (hopefully not much) than the first.

Anyway, the bad news is that I've reached a point in the story where I'm not sure how to proceed. I have a vague sense of where the story will ultimately lead...I just have to figure out how to get there. I am also dealing with some unexpected plot developments and I haven't quite figured out how everything will all tie together in the end.  The imaginary world of the Stewards of Reed gets more complicated by the day!

I've decided I need to take a brief pause (no more than a week or so) from writing in hopes that when I come back to the story with a fresh mind the words will just start flowing again. Fortunately I have a good distraction between now and then...I am in the middle of a summer purge.  I have never been a big fan of clutter or collecting useless things...I like everything to have a purpose and a place. Unfortunately, I married a sentimental pack rat. 

I am on a mission to make sure that our storage space does not take on a life of its own (I weep for the unfortunate owner of the clutter shown above). It's taken quite a bit of negotiating...but I finally have my husband's blessing to proceed with donating some of the stuff that has been piled up in our closets and storage areas for far too long.  Next Wednesday it will all be donated to charity...and I will go back to writing. 

July Celebrations

Around this time last year, I was celebrating the fact that I had recently completed the first (rough) draft of my debut novel, The Stewards of Reed, Volume 1: The Rise of Fallon.  I had pulled it off. I had actually written a full-length novel. It was the first time I had ever taken an idea for a novel (and I've had a few over the years) to completion. Being laid-off earlier in the year had helped, as I no longer had the excuse of being too busy (or too mentally drained) to focus on my writing. Regardless, I had a reason to celebrate.

I had hoped to be in a similar position this year - with the July 4th fireworks coinciding with the completion of the rough draft of the sequel - but my writing has not been as productive this year. It seems I've been too easily distracted (see earlier blog posts). However, I hate waiting for sequels as much as the next person (HINT, HINT, MR. GRRM!), so I have taken steps to correct this.

I'm currently about 60,000 words into the sequel: The Stewards of Reed, Volume 2: The Dungeons of Cetahl.  Assuming this book ends up being a similar word count to the first book, this means I am not quite two-thirds done.  With luck, I should be done with the first draft by the end of the summer and out to publish by the end of the year.

When I was writing The Rise of Fallon, I would jump from storyline to storyline based on the general chronology of events. It was a nice way to write as it gave me a chance to leave each storyline for a short period of time and come back to it again with fresh eyes.  Unfortunately, the sequel does not lend itself to the same approach. In the Dungeons of Cetahl, there is a major storyline involving Lady Delia (Lady Dinah's mother), which takes place in the past.

I had not originally intended for Lady Delia to be such a major character in the sequel (much like I had not intended for Gentry to play such an important role in the first novel), but sometimes you just have to go where the story takes you. The good news is that Lady Delia's storyline has nearly come to a close. It is time for me to refocus my attention on Fallon, Zeke and the other characters. I can't wait to find out what happens next!

If You Ever Decide to Self Publish...

My decision to self-publish (vs. going the traditional route with agents/book publishers) was borne out of a desire to: (1) get my book out into the world sooner than later; (2) maintain creative control (I had heard horror stories about how editors can edit out the very essence of one's story); and (3) save my somewhat fragile ego from a barrage of rejection letters.  I was fooling myself with #3...lack of sales, refunds and that first not-so-nice comment (and all the ones that follow) do a pretty good job at bruising one's ego.  And yes, I am still working on developing that all important quality of a good writer: thick skin!

I am relatively new to the self-publishing world - my debut novel was released in January of this year. But I have learned a few things along the way, and figured it couldn't hurt to share these tips with those who are thinking about self-publishing at some point.

1. Scrivener is the bomb!  

I was reluctant to purchase the Scrivener at first (I am very comfortable with WORD), but I am glad I did.  While I don't use many of the program's special features, I love being able to separate the manuscript into various "scenes" which can be easily rearranged. This was especially convenient for me since The Stewards of Reed  contains several sub-plots intertwined into an overall story, and I often changed my mind about which "scene" should come next.  All that cutting and pasting would have been a nightmare in WORD!

I also appreciate the ease of which I am able to convert my manuscript into desired formats [e.g. WORD, PDF, Kindle (.mobi), Nook (.epub) etc].  I've seen too many posts where people shared their endless struggles to fix the interior formatting of their novel when trying to self-publish.  Don't get me wrong...I had issues...but they were small, relatively painless issues that were easily fixed with a quick google search.

2. Get an Editor!  

I know, this tip may seem strange considering one of my reasons for self-publishing was to avoid having an editor destroy my story...but there are different kinds of editing. At the very minimum, you should have your manuscript proofread by a professional (that's what I did). I know it costs money up front, but it will also save you money in lost sales/refunds down the road.  The number one complaint I've read time and time again from people who like to read is that self-published works are too often filled with spelling and grammatical errors. It makes them reluctant to take a risk on another new (self-published) author.  So when you fail to take the important step of having your work proofread, you are not only hurting yourself, you are hurting ALL self-published authors.

3. Spend Money on the Cover Art!  

People DO judge books by their covers, like it or not.  I read somewhere that more than 235,000 books are now self-published in the US each year. You need something to help your book stand out from the crowd. Trust me, it's easy to see which books have professional covers and which ones do not.  I nearly made this mistake, and it wasn't until I held the paperback proof of my book in my hands that I realized I needed to bite the bullet and have a professional work on my cover.

There are plenty of talented graphic artists out there. I happened to use 99designs, but I must admit I struggled with the ethical issues of having multiple designers work on my cover but only having one get paid for it. For those not familiar, the site is set up like a contest between designers, and you get to select the winning designer. Only the winning designer gets paid for their efforts. I'm not sure I'll go that route again...

4.  Double/Triple Check Before You Publish!

I published both in paperback (via CreateSpace) and ebook (via Kindle Direct Publishing).  Using Scrivener (see Tip #1), it was very easy for me to create the appropriate PDF and .mobi files, and skip the awkward conversion. But that does not mean that I did not need to re-check everything. As it happened, the cover of my paperback did not print out correctly (part of the background design did not print). I also learned the hard way that one should re-read the interior (even if it was already looked at by an editor). Right before I went to publish, I decided to make a global name change (I changed all the days of the week to something different than Monday, Tuesday, etc). However, I neglected to check for the plural version of those names, and so the initial publication had a mixture of both types. Oops! Fortunately, it was an easy fix. Unfortunately, some people had already downloaded the original version. Sigh.

5.  Do NOT Price Too Low!

There was a time when $0.99 ebooks were all the rage. Now (thanks in large part to authors who
neglected Tip #2) they are synonymous with cheap, crappy novels.   Unfortunately, I did not know this when I first published. I figured, "Nobody knows who I am, I can't justify charging them more than $0.99 for my book." Oh boy was I wrong.

Turns out that having a higher price can actually help sales (with the perception that the higher the price, the higher the quality). Plus, you'd have to sell a crap load of books at $0.99 to ever make any real money. (Not that I'm making any real money now...but it's better than it would have been had I not upped my price). After reviewing several blog posts/forum posts about ebook pricing, I learned that many first-time authors were able to sell a similar amount of books whether their book was priced at $1.99 or $4.99.  I, personally, opted for $3.99 as Amazon has a special list for books $3.99 and lower. 

Setting the price too low at first also hurt my ranking on Amazon's Popularity lists (overall, and for my specific genre: fantasy).  Amazon keeps its algorithms a secret, and they change them all the time, but indie-author Edward W. Robertson has been studying these for awhile and did a very nice job explaining his theory on why price matters for the popularity list here. Why is a better ranking important? The better the ranking, the more lists your novel ends up on, the more attention it receives. The more attention it receives, the more sales. The more sales, the better the ranking (and so on and so on).

6.  DO Make Use of the KDP Select Free Promotion Program

You will find on many writer's forums that there is a big philosophical debate on this matter. Many authors refuse to "give away their work for free."  I get their point, but I also think it is short-sided. As noted earlier, it is currently estimated that over 235,000 books are self-published each year in the US alone, not to mention the countless books put out by publishing houses. That's a lot of competition!

The KDP Select Free Promotion Program (which allows you to set the price of your ebook to $0.00 for 5 days in a 90-day period), is a great way to have your book reach a much larger audience than you would probably ever reach on your own. Let's face it - everyone likes free stuff! And the more people who read (and like) your book, the more likely they are to spread the word to their friends, and the more sales you will likely see as a result. I did notice an upswing in sales following the end of my first free promotion...we'll have to see about the latest one.

To date, I have had over 1,000 people download my book from countries all over the world. True, my book will likely not be read by the vast majority of those people, but I know for a fact it was read by some. I now have 12 reviews, mostly positive, and I suspect most of the reviews came from people who downloaded my novel when it was free. And as we know, the more reviews a book has, the more attention it gets. The more attention it gets, the more likely you are to see additional sales, etc, etc...

I should note that you must "unpublish" your ebook from all other sites (B&N, etc) to participate in this promotion. For me, this was not a big deal. I didn't have much success (any success really) on sites other than Amazon.  I should also note that many people suggest raising the price of your book prior to a free promotion so it appears the reader is getting a better deal.  I tried this during my latest promotion (I raised the price to $4.99), but I can't say that it helped much.  I've only had a handful of downloads today...

7. Keep Writing!

The best advice I came across when I began thinking about self-publishing was to KEEP WRITING. If people like your book, they will want to read more books written by you.  And the more books you have, the more success you are likely to see in the self-published world.

GOOD LUCK!

The Genesis of This Blog

I write, therefore I am a writer.

It took me awhile to come to grips with that statement. I did not pursue a degree in English or Literature or Journalism or any other major that would have furthered my writing skills - so when I finally set out to write a book, I felt a bit like an imposter amongst those that live, eat and breathe literature. The ones that know when you are supposed to use "lie" vs. "lay". The ones that know the rules about switching points of view. The ones that "show" rather than "tell".

But then I entered the 2013 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. I lurked around the forums for some time, taking in all the sage advice offered by those with much more experience than me. I finally broke my silence once day and confessed my insecurity about being an actual "writer" given my background and lack of experience. To the credit of the others on those forums, they were quick to show me the error of my thinking. I had written a book. I was a writer.  Not necessarily the best writer, mind you, but a writer nonetheless. And though I did not advance far in that contest, entering was so worth it for that reason alone.

While I have been writing short stories and poems on and off throughout my life, I did not complete my first novel until 2012: The Stewards of Reed, Volume 1: The Rise of Fallon 
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AYQCZVW

It was not the sort of story I ever expected to write. Aside from the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings, at the time I had not read much in the fantasy genre (I still haven't to be honest. I like the Game of Thrones, but so far have not cared much for the other popular fantasy books I have read. I'm just not that into vampires, and I need a plot that is not as slow to develop as The Name of the Wind).

Anyway, one morning I woke up with an idea for a story, and as I walked the dogs, the plot just kept snowballing and I could not ignore it.  Upon returning home, I asked my husband if he would mind watching the kids for a bit and I started to write out all the thoughts in my head in bullet form.

And there that list would have stayed, untouched through the years, if I hadn't have been laid off from my job shortly thereafter. It was not totally unexpected (I had moved 3000 miles away from where my former company conducted its business, and the time difference - combined with my inability to travel much - hampered my effectiveness).  Regardless, the timing was not the best as we had just closed on a new house and the loss of my income hurt.

Instead of panicking and insisting that I find a replacement job immediately, my husband allowed me to take some time to develop those bullet points into a full-fledged novel.  I started writing in earnest in February, and by July was done with the first draft.  The arduous self-editing process started, and I finally sent it out to a few close friends (my beta-readers you might say). Only one of them actually ended up reading the story, but his feedback was invaluable.

I won't lie - it hurt to hear the criticism of my precious book - but at least it was constructive criticism. So I spent most of the summer of 2012 re-working the story.  One of the more time-consuming edits was to change the speech to something more formal/less colloquial. But it was worth it in the end.

By fall I was ready for the book to be professionally edited. This is an important step that many first-time authors make the mistake of skipping. This not only hurts themselves, but ALL of us newbies. I've heard time and time again that many readers are skittish about trying out new authors due to the prevalence of poorly written books rife with grammatical and spelling errors.  I realize editing can be expensive...but try to have it proof-read for errors at least.  That's what I did.  I could not stomach another extensive re-write, so I had my editor (the wonderful Jill Bailin) focus primarily on proof-reading, though she provided some additional feedback on how to handle Luca for which I am eternally grateful.

Anyway, the next step was to work on the cover. My cousin, Patrick Wark, studied art in college.  He was willing to work on the map and cover art for free...and that worked perfectly for my budget. As much as I tried to fight it - it is true that people DO judge a book by its cover...so I ended up taking his work and hiring a graphic artist to upgrade the fonts and polish the overall look.  I'm happy I did.

And then, in early 2013, I finally "published" the book on Amazon. To date I have sold over 120 copies, and have given away 900 more via the free promotions that Amazon offers. It is still amazing to me that people across the world - UK, Germany, Canada, France, Italy, Spain, Japan and others - own copies of my little old novel.  I'm even more amazed that most of the feedback has been positive thus far.

I suspect the audience for my book is a small one...it doesn't have any of the urban dystopia, vampire, elves/dragons themes that dominate most of the fantasy genre.  But I'm on to Volume 2...and hopefully my small audience will continue to grow as I hone my craft.

This blog is my outlet for that overall writing process. It is where I can discuss my personal struggles as a new author, without commandeering my family blog site with all these posts about my book and my experiences (thus boring my friends and family to death).  It is my secret journal (for now)...

Welcome to RM Wark's Works!

Regrets

For the first time since moving to New Jersey two years ago, I find myself regretting that we left San Francisco.

The reasons for the move were simple enough: we wanted our children to grow up with their cousins, we wanted to be closer to family.  And when a job opportunity presented itself to my husband, it did not take long for us to make the decision to move. We had our fears. 

The housing market in San Francisco was in a slump and we worried if we would be able to sell it (and whether we would make any profit from the sale). We ended up making a small profit. But had we stayed, we would have made much much more. The housing market is on a roll again. Sigh.  I realize it's only money...but that is something we could really use right now.

My husband worried about what would happen if for some reason the new job did not work out. His entire network was in San Francisco, not New York. The bulk of his industry was in Silicon Valley, not New York.  "Why wouldn't it work out?" I argued back. Little did I know, both of our jobs were in jeopardy.

About a year after we moved, the company I had been working for was struggling financially. They had let me work remotely, but I just wasn't as valuable as I had been when I was in San Francisco (I couldn't manage projects, I couldn't meet with clients, etc)...so I ended up getting laid off.  At first it was a bit of a relief. I had not been happy for some time and was looking forward to exploring my opportunities as a writer instead.  But the truth was I made a very good salary...and that loss of income hurt us.  Had we stayed in San Francisco, I would still have a job.  I would still be making a good salary.

Not having a steady income is even worse now that my husband has been laid off. The division in his Fortune 500 company was not performing well...and he was one of the higher paid employees. They decided to go in a different direction and informed him this week that his services are no longer required. They are willing to let him stay on for another six months while he looks for new employment...and he's doing all he can to find a new job...but I would be lying if I said it wasn't scary. And I can't help but think that had we stayed in SF, the job hunt would be less scary. My husband would have his network. My husband would be in his element.

The timing couldn't have been worse.  Purchasing and furnishing a new house took its toll on our bank accounts.  Just this month our mortgage payment went up by $2K per month to cover our escrow debt (we had gone into negative escrow when our added taxes from our property reassessment kicked in).  It is also tax time, and we owe the government. Joy Joy. 

I've been staring at our household budget spreadsheet all day...and it is painfully obvious that we have more money going out than in...and it is just going to get worse if we don't do something to curb our expenses and bring in more income.

Perhaps my husband will find an even better paying job and our worries will be over. But I am not hopeful. It is more likely that I will need to find a job.  Now that I've had a taste of life without a job I hate...nothing fills me with more dread than having to venture back into that world. Had we stayed in San Francisco...I would have never known better. 

On the flip side - had we stayed, my children would not know their cousins. Had we stayed, I would have never written my novel. Had we stayed, we would not be living in our dream house. 

But had we stayed, I would not be so terrified of the future right now.

A Crisis of Self

I’ve been in the midst of a crisis lately – a crisis of self – or put another way: “who am I?”

“An engineer, an author, a mother (not necessarily in that order).”  That is what my brain rattles off when I ask that question of myself. But it is almost as though the words come with an asterisk sign, a disclaimer of sorts that hints that this is not entirely accurate.

An engineer.  That is what I am trained to be, and I have a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree and a decade’s worth of work to post on my resume that demonstrates this. But I am no longer employed as an engineer. I have some small jobs on a contract basis here and there, but it is just a small fraction of what I used to do.  And because I no longer have a steady paycheck coming in – right or wrong, a part of me feels I feel I no longer have a valid claim to this title.  I was not in love with my job. I recall countless mornings spent in the shower moaning, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” But now that it’s gone…I feel that a piece of me is missing.

An author.  I have written a book, and published said book. That makes me an author. But it does not make me a successful author; and the truth is, I may never become one.  In contrast to much of what I did as an engineer, I actually thoroughly enjoy writing.  So much so that it feels like a hobby – not a career.  This thought is reinforced by the fact that I make virtually no money writing.  If I could make a living as a writer, it would be easy for me to say, “I used to be an engineer but now I’m an author.” But without that validation of an income, even if it is a paltry income, I have trouble defining myself as an author.  

A mother.  Yes, I am a mother.  I could say that is my career, but I have known from the beginning that I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom.  While I do many of the things a stay-a-home mom might do - take the kids to/from school, make lunches, make dinners, make their beds, wash their clothes, help with homework, take to soccer and swim practice, etc - I do not have the patience it takes to do that job successfully. My son already dislikes me (“Mom, I am going to go live in a tent and everyone is allowed to come see me – EXCEPT  YOU!”)…he would downright abhor me if he was subjected to my presence 24/7.  It wouldn’t be fair to the children, and it wouldn’t be fair to me. So my kids go to a full-time daycare, and I have never, ever responded, “I am a mom,” when someone asks me what I do for a living.

But if I am not an engineer, and I’m not an author, and I’m not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom – what am I?  I am a person with a crisis of self.  Sigh.