A Crisis of Self

I’ve been in the midst of a crisis lately – a crisis of self – or put another way: “who am I?”

“An engineer, an author, a mother (not necessarily in that order).”  That is what my brain rattles off when I ask that question of myself. But it is almost as though the words come with an asterisk sign, a disclaimer of sorts that hints that this is not entirely accurate.

An engineer.  That is what I am trained to be, and I have a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree and a decade’s worth of work to post on my resume that demonstrates this. But I am no longer employed as an engineer. I have some small jobs on a contract basis here and there, but it is just a small fraction of what I used to do.  And because I no longer have a steady paycheck coming in – right or wrong, a part of me feels I feel I no longer have a valid claim to this title.  I was not in love with my job. I recall countless mornings spent in the shower moaning, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” But now that it’s gone…I feel that a piece of me is missing.

An author.  I have written a book, and published said book. That makes me an author. But it does not make me a successful author; and the truth is, I may never become one.  In contrast to much of what I did as an engineer, I actually thoroughly enjoy writing.  So much so that it feels like a hobby – not a career.  This thought is reinforced by the fact that I make virtually no money writing.  If I could make a living as a writer, it would be easy for me to say, “I used to be an engineer but now I’m an author.” But without that validation of an income, even if it is a paltry income, I have trouble defining myself as an author.  

A mother.  Yes, I am a mother.  I could say that is my career, but I have known from the beginning that I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom.  While I do many of the things a stay-a-home mom might do - take the kids to/from school, make lunches, make dinners, make their beds, wash their clothes, help with homework, take to soccer and swim practice, etc - I do not have the patience it takes to do that job successfully. My son already dislikes me (“Mom, I am going to go live in a tent and everyone is allowed to come see me – EXCEPT  YOU!”)…he would downright abhor me if he was subjected to my presence 24/7.  It wouldn’t be fair to the children, and it wouldn’t be fair to me. So my kids go to a full-time daycare, and I have never, ever responded, “I am a mom,” when someone asks me what I do for a living.

But if I am not an engineer, and I’m not an author, and I’m not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom – what am I?  I am a person with a crisis of self.  Sigh.